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TH[ MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE 



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THE MORNING AFTER THE 
NIGHT BEFORE 

A COMEDY DOMESTIC UPHEAVAI* 
In One Act 



By 
HARRY Iv. NKWTON 



Copyright MCMXIV by AT. Witmark df Sons 
International copyright secured 



Published by 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

Witmark Building, New York 

CHICAGO LONDON 






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\ 



THE MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT 
. BEFORE. 

Note.- — The acting rights of this Farce are ex- 
pressly reserved by the Publishers, to whom 
Theatrical Managers, ivho wish to produce 
it, can apply. Amateur representation may 
be made zvithout such application and ivith- 
out charge. 



©CLD 38034 

SEP -2 1914 



CHARACTERS. 

Josh Slinger — A Convivial Young Husband. 

Broadway Walker — A Chance Acquaintance. 

Mrs. Slinger — A Trusting Young Wife. 

James — A Butler. 

Time — The Cold Gray Dawn. 

Place — Drawing Room of the Slinger Residence. 

Time of playing — Twenty Minutes. 

COSTUMES. 

Josh Slinger — Business suit. 

Broadway W^vlker — About 40- years of age. 
White powdered hair and smoothly shaven face. 
Wears frock coat and light trousers. 

Mrs. Slinger^ — Young, pretty and emotional, 
Wears a pretty morning gown. 

James— A typical English butler, using Cockney 
dialect. 



DIAGRAM OF STAGE. 

D.R.C. CO. bLC 



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AUDIE,NCE. 

L. I E. — Left first entrance. 
R. I E. — Right first entrance. 
L. U. E. — Left upper entrance. 
C. — Centre of stage. 
R. C. — Right centre of stage. 
L. C, — Left centre of stage. 

C. D. — Centre door. 

D. R. C. — Door right centre. 

D. L. C. — Door left centre. 



THE MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT 
BEFORE 

A Comedy Domestic Upheaval in 1 Act. 
By Harry L. Newton. 

DESCRIPTION OF STAGE SETTING. 

Drawing room, boxed in "three," with doors. 
Center, Right and Left. There are heavy curtains 
hanging on center door. The entire setting to be 
as elaborate as circumstances will permit. A large 
couch (or davenport) is an essential part of set- 
ting, also about a dozen sofa pillows. At back, 
R of C, is a cabaret table containing filled decanter, 
glasses and bottle of charged water. At R, opposite 
door, is a large library table. Other furniture ad 
lib. 

[Scene — A drawing room. See description of 
stage setting. Lights are dim at rise, as it is sup- 



6 The Morning After the Night Before 



posed to be early morning. Discovered. Slinger and 
Walker. The former is stretched on library table, 
asleep, the latter is asleep on couch, with head 
hanging almost to floor and both feet elevated 
as high ;is possible. The apartment presents a 
disordered appearance, with articles of clothing 
scattered about. One hat and a shoe are hanging 
on a chandelier, another shoe is on the cabaret 
table, while a vest and a collar adorn a piece of 
statuary. Seyeral seconds elapse atier rise of cur- 
tain before action, then Walker snores loudly. 
Slinger stirs uneasily at sound, then turns over on 
table in an effort to gain a more comfortable posi- 
tion. Walker again snores, making a sound at fin- 
ish like the honk-honk of an auto horn.] 

Slinger (Droicsily) — Don't toot your horn at 

me. I've got as much right to this street as you 
have. 

[A few seconds again elapse, Walker snores and 
hnishes with a loud, long-drawn out whistle. 
Slinger slowly raises Jiead and gazes sleepily about 
him, yawns, sits up, stretches and yawns again. 
Suddenly he discovers Walker, rubs eyes and 
stares in amazement at him. He slowly gets up, 
drags himself oflf table, showing effects of a night's 
dissipation, and with eyes on Walker, backs to 
cabaret table, seizes decanter, pours out and takes 
a drink or two, still eyeing Walker. He stares at 
him for an instant then pushes button on wall for 
butler, goes to Center Door and pulls curtains 



The Morning After the Night Before 7 



apart. Lights full on. He again eyes Walker, 
walks close to him and gazes curiously down at 
him.] 

Slinger — W^ell, for the love of cauliflower ! I 
wonder where THAT came from, WHAT it is and 
how IT got here! [Scratches head in puzzled 
manner.) 

[Enter James, C. D.] 

James — Did you ring, sir? 

Slinger {Whirling about, facing Ja>ies) — Did 
I ? Oh, yes ; of course I ringed — I mean, rung. 
James, com.e here. (James goes to him.) James 
if I ask you something, will you give me a careful 
answer ? 

James — Hi'll try, sir. 

SLiNGER^That's fair enough. James, do you 
see something on that couch there? {Points a' 
Walker. ) 

James (Looks first at Slinger and then at 
Walker; puzzled) — Yes, sir; thank you, sir. 

Slinger — Don't thank me. It don't belong to 
me. 

James — Yes, sir; thank you, sir! 

Slinger — James, what's it look like to you? 

James — A man, sir; asleep, sir. 

Slinger {With a sigh of relief) — Thanks, 
James. I'm glad you see the same as I thought 
I saw. Friend of yours? 

James (Astonished) — No, sir. If you hask me 
sir, I s'lould say has 'ow 'e was a friend of yours, 
sir ; thank you, sir. 



8 The Morning After the Night Before 



Slinger (Astounded) — \Miat ! Friend of mine? 
I never saw him before in all my life. 

James (Meekly) — Thank you, sir. 

Slinger (Peevishly) — Stop it; don't thank me 
every breath you take. (Looks at \\^\lker) — 
Strange ! I can't account for him at all. 

James (Apologetically) — If you hask me, sir, I 
fawncy 'e's the gentleman — ahem ! that 'elped me 
carry you inside the 'ouse. lawst night, sir. 

Slinger— (Staggered) — He — he helped you 
carry me — he helped you — (Stops, at a loss for 
zvords.) 

James— 'E did, sir; thank you, sir. 

Slinger — (Severely) — James, what was the 
matter with me that I had to be carried into the 
house? 

James (Nervously) — Hif you hask me, sir, you 
were somewhat the worse for liquor, sir. 

Slinger — (Puts a hand to his head, walks un- 
steadily to cabaret table, pours a drink and gulps it 
down.) James, that is a direct insult to my well 
known capacity. I must have been poisoned — not 
drunk. (Sets glass down, looks nerz'onsly about; 
cautious tone.) James, does my wife — did my wife 
see me come in ? 

James — No sir; thank you, sir. 

Slinger — (Sighs in relief.) Well, that's one 
"thank you" I'm thankful for. (Sits on edge of 
chair.) What time was it, James, when I — when 
I was carried in last night? 



The Morning After the Night Before 



James — Two o'clock, sir. 

Slinger — {Refleciively) — Um ! Was my — did 
Mrs. Slinger appear to be at all worried, James? 

James — {Cheerfully) — Ho no, sir. You phoned 
her, sir. 

Slinger— (A^^ar/y falling ojf chair — astounded) 
—I did WHAT? 

James — You phoned her, sir, has to what was a 
detainin' of you, sir. 

Slinger — (Stares in dismay at James an instant) 
— And what did I say was detaining me? 

James — Hi don't know, sir. 

Slinger — (Groans dismally) — Oh, Lord! I'm a 
bright young man, I am. (Buries face in both 
hands; groans again.) 

James — (Sympathetically) — What's the matter, 
sir? 

Slinger — (Lifts head and glares at JAxMes) — 
Matter? Say, "Mutt" is my middle name. I don't 
know what excuse I made to my wife over the 
phone. I remember I had three or four dandy ex- 
cuses, but I don't remember which one I used. 
(Groans) — And now I'm sure to hand the wrong 
one to her. 

James — Yes, sir ; th.ank you, sir ! 

Slinger — (Angrily jumps to feet, grabs a book 
off table and hurls it at James) — Get out, you half 
portion of a man ! Go ! 

James — (Dodging book) — Yes, sir; thank you, 
3ir. (Exit, haughty manner, C. D.) 



10 The Morning After the Night Before 



Slinger — {Sinking abjectedly on chair and 
staling curiously at Walker. Moodily) — The only 
vvay 1 see is to kill that man. "Dead men tell no 
tales." If that fellow speaks, I can see my trunk 
on an express wagon, headed for some cozy 
bachelor apartment. {Springs to his feet, crosses 
to Walker; dramatically) — Now then, to know the 
worst! {Slaps Walker violently on shoulder in an 
attempt to aivaken him. Walker merely grunts and 
tries to turn over) — Here you, wake up! {Shakes 
his vigorously) . 

\\ alker — {Rising slowly to a sitting posture; 
stupidly) — Eh? What's the idea? {Stares 
stupidly about). 

Slinger — That's exactly what I'd like to know. 
And please don't be long in the telling of it, either. 
{Sits on edge of a chair ^gazing sternly at Walker.) 

\\alker—{ Sit ting on edge of couch, elbows on 
knees and chin in hands) — My boy, you look some 
peeved. {Grins broadly.) 

Slinger — {Fretfully) — Don't call me "my boy." 
Who are you, and never mind how I look. 

Walker— {Good naturcdly) — Say. why this 
sudden change? Last night you were embracing 
me like a love-sick Romeo, and calling me the best 
friend you ever had. And now — Say, old top ; I 
could talk better if T had a drop of red liquor. 

Slinger — {Indicating cabaret table) — Go to it. 
It's always customary to allow the condemned 
whatever they ask for before they are executed. 



The Morning After the Night Before 11 



Walker — {Jumps to feet — shocked) — Hey? 
Condemned? Executed? I don't get you. 

Slinger — It merely means that I am going to kill 
you. Maybe you have an aUbi, but I doubt it. 
{Surveys Walker suspiciously) — You're a guilty 
looking wretch, all right. 

Walker — {At cabaret table, pours drink, gulps 
it down, turns and grins at Slinger) — What's the 
charge, judge? 

Slinger — You enticed me from my seat on the 
water wagon, and kept me away from a fond and 
loving wife the larger part of last night. 

Walker — (Stares at Slinger in amazement then 
bursts into a loud and prolonged laugh; finally con- 
trols himself.) Say, that's good. Great! / en- 
ticed you ! / kept you from a fond and loving wife ! 
/ did! {Laughs loudly again.) 

Slinger — {Nervously) — Shut up! My wife'll 
hear you ! 

Walker — {Gulps down another drink, crosses to 
couch and sits) — My boy, let me tell you some- 
thing. When I hooked up with you last night, the 
4 water wagon you speak of was some miles up the 
road from you. 

Slinger — {Surprised) — Hey? How do you 
know? 

Walker — Say, when a chap has both arms 
around a lamp post, is looking up at the light and 
yelling: "Come on down and let me in; I know 
you're home ; there's a light in the window." 



12 The Morning After the Night Before 



(Lang lis) — That's good evidence. 

Slinger — (Aived) — Gosh! Was I that bad? 

Walker — You were — only more so. 

Slinger — And then you came along? 

Walker — I did. \Nt were alone together, you 
and I. Alone together like a couple of ship 
wrecked sailors, with water, water everywhere but 
not a drop of liquor to drink. You told me your 
name and I told you mine, or as much of it as I 
could remember, and you swore we'd be comrades. 
Don't you remember? 

Slinger — {With hands to head; wearily) — I 
don't remember. I can't think. {Suddenly) — 
Didn't I say anything about my wife? Her waiting 
at home for me? 

Walker — {Shakes head) — Not a blessed thing, 
old top. In fact, you told me that you didn't have 
a friend in the world except me — not even a wife. 

Slinger {Dismally) — Oh, but I must have been 
awful ! 

Walker — Then you have a wife? 

Slinger {Peevishly) — Of course, I have, con- 
found you ! 

Walker — Well, don't get sore at me. I can't 
help it. 

Slinger — Now see here — Say, what the deuce 
is your name, anyhow? 

Walker — Broadway Walker. What's yours? 

Slinger — Josh Slinger. {They rise and sol- 
emnly shake hands, then sit again) — Mr. Walker, 



The Morning After the Night Before 13 



I'm in something of a pickle. I've got to square 
myself with the missus. She must never know 

where I was last night. 

Walker — Don't worry ; she won't. 

Slinger — How do you know she won't? 

Walker — Because you don't know where you 
were yourself. (Grins.) 

Slinger (Groans dismally) — That's right, I 
don't. (Quickly) — But you might tell her. 

Walker — Not a chance in the world, brother. 
The last I remember was getting into a taxi and 
hearing you tell the chaufifeur to stop when we 
got to Philadelphia. (Laughs.) 

Slinger (Sulkily) — I don't see a thing to laugh 
at. Besides, you helped carry me into the house. 
You must have known more than I did. 

Walker (Cheerfully) — Oh, cheer up and shake 
the grouch ! 

Slinger — Easy for you to say. You've no wife 
to face. 

Walker — If you'd have been wise, you'd have 
phoned her last night — 

Slinger (Interrupting fiercely)— You mutt! I 

did phone her. That's where I made my awful 

mistake. I phoned her an excuse, but I'll be hanged 
if I can remember what the excuse was now. 

Walker bursts into a loud laugh, but is suddenly 
silenced by the voice of Mrs. Slinger off R., at 
zvhich Slinger exhibits signs of consternation. 

Mrs. Slinger (Off R.) — Never mind, James. 
I'll find him. 



14 The Morning After the Night Before 



Slinger (Springs to feet and gazes about, 
frightened) — My wife! (To Walker) — Here's 
where we've got to display some inside quick think- 
ing. You've got to hide your ugly face and form. 
(Grabs \\^alker_, hustles him about the room, seek- 
ing a hiding place, finally rushes him back to couch 
and throws him onto it) — Lie there. Lie quiet 
while I cover you with pillows. (Begins to pile 
sofa pillozi's on top of Walker.) 

Walker (Thrusting out his face) — Lll lie here 
while you lie to your wife. Ha, ha ! A joke. 

Slinger (Soaking A\^\lker with pillozv) — Shut 
up before I kill you! (Rushes about room, picking 
up the different articles of clothing, hurriedly at- 
tenipting to get into them, but too excited to ac- 
complish anything, drops things promiscuously all 
about ; finally grabs up a hat, puts it on head, picks 
up a book and drops into a chair, apparently im- 
mersed in reading just as Mrs. Slinger appears in 
C. D.). 

Mrs. S. (Gazing scornfully at him an instant. 
Sarcastically) — Good morning, dear! 

Slinger (Looks over top of book and forces a 
smile)— Ah, good morning, darling! 

Mrs. S. (Advancing to him) — And what is the 
idea of absorbing literature so early in the morn- 
ing? (Walker uncoz'ers face and grins 
maliciously.) 

Slinger (Uneasily) — Oh, yes, to be sure. The 
• — the book I'm reading, you mean. It's a new idea, 



The Morning After the Night Before 15 



my dear. Freshen the hrain for the day's work by 
giving it a gentle morning's tonic by the — the 
perusal of a good book. (Smiles.) 

Walker (Aside) — Gee, he's off to a good start 
all right. 

Mrs. S. (Looks at pages of book) That is a 
good idea — splendid ! z^nd your brain should be 
greatly freshened, especially when you read upside 
down. 

Slinger (Starts guiltily, then quickly reverses 
book. Confusedly) — I'm — I'm practicing the art 
of reading upside down. It's — it's a great sport. 
(Smiles feebly.) 

Mrs. S. (Sarcastically) — It certainly must be. 
(Scans him from head to foot) — It must be, in- 
deed ; particularly when you are attired in the man- 
ner in which you are at present. 

Walker makes a comedy facial grimace and al- 
most chokes with suppressed merriment. Slinger 
throws the book at him and Walker quickly con- 
ceals his head just as Mrs. S. zvhirls suspiciously 
about, facing couch. 

Slinger (Soothingly)— My dear, I — 

Mrs. S. (Whirling and facing him) — Don't you 
dare "my dear" me! I am in no mood to be ad- 
dressed in sarcastic endearing terms. \\ hat I want 
is an accounting of your last night's whereabouts. 

Slinger (Meekly) — Yes, my dear. (Confused) 
— You — you see, my — 

Mrs. Slinger (Sternly) — Yes, proceed; I am 



16 The Morning After the Night Before 



waiting. (Glares indignantly at him, one foot 
tapping floor in impatient manner.) 

Slinger {Nervously clears throat and glances 
uneasily about) — Yes, yes, of course, my dear. 
Nothing I should like better. But won't you be 
seated. I can feel that it's going to take some time 
to square — to recount my last night's adventures. 
{She turns to couch and is about to sit on it, zvhen 
he springs to his feet in alarm) — No, no; not on 
that ; not on that ; take a chair, my dear. 

Mrs. S. {Suspiciously looking first at couch 
then at him) — Your nerves are decidedly unstrung 
this morning. I shall sit where I please. {Flops 
down on couch. Walker frees his face and makes 
painful grimace) — Now then. Mister Slinger. I 
am waiting. 

Slinger {Attempting an ease he does not feel) 
— You see, my dear — {stops speech suddenly) — 
Say, didn't I tell you all about it last night when I 
phoned you? 

Mrs. S. {Coldly) — You can hardly expect me to 
believe the story you told me over the phone, do 
you? 

Slinger {Confusedly) — 1 — I — told you — you 
— nothing but the truth. I told you — {hesitates) — 
told you — 

Mrs. S. {Interrupts) — You told me that you 
were playing golf with the King of England and 
the Emperor of Germany. (Walker smothers an 
outbreak of laughter by stuffing part of a pillow 



The Morning After the Night Before 17 



in his mouth.) 

Slinger (With a sickly smile) — Did I — did I 
tell you that? 

Mrs. S. (Coldly) — You told me just that. 

Slinger — My dear, there must have been some 
mistake. (Shakes a fist at Walker.) 

Mrs. S.— Undoubtedly. 

Slinger — Of course there was a mistake. I am 
not on speaking terms with either the King of Eng- 
land or Emperor of Germany, and certainly not on 
golf terms either. 

Mrs. S. (Sarcastically) — How strange! 

Slinger — Oh, you needn't look at me that way. 
Now if you want the wholesome truth and noth- 
ing but the truth, here it is : I went to the ball game 
yesterday afternoon. 

Mrs. S. (Surprised) — Ball game? 

Slinger — Yes, the ball game. The game went 
into extra innings. In fact, it was the longest game 
I ever attended. They played all night. 

Mrs. S. (Suspiciously) — And what was the 
score? 

of daylight. (He smiles in triumph. Walker al- 
most explodes with suppressed laughter.) 

Mrs. S. (Grimly) — And you expect me to be- 
lieve that^ do you? (Sarcastically quoting) — "The 
game was called on account of daylight !'' Come 
now ; do you expect me to believe that ? 

Slinger (Suddenly) — Well, that's my story, 
and I mean to stick to it. 



18 The Morning After the Night Before 



Walker (Aside) — Oh, he's a pippin! 

Mrs. S. (Rises, goes to him and places both 
hands on his shoulders. Pleadingly) — Josh, 
dear ; why don't you be fair with me ? Tell me the 
truth. Don't be afraid — be a man! (Almost in 
tears.) 

Slinger (Encircles her waist with an arm) — I 
will speak the truth, my darling. I have absolutely 
nothing to conceal — nothing of which to be afraid. 
(Walker raises head and stares at Slinger in 
surprise and the latter shakes a warning fist at 
him over Mrs. S's shoulder) — If you must know, 
I — I went fishing. 

Walker (Aside) — Fishing! Oh, Lord! (Drops 
hack on couch.) 

Mrs. S. (Drawing away from him in surprise) 
— You went fishing? 

Slinger (Cheerfully) — Yes, darling; fishing. 

Mrs. S. (Brightly) — And what did you catch? 

Slinger — I said I went fishing, not catching. 

Mrs. S. (Doubtfidly) — Well, what were you 
fishing for? 

Slinger (Glances helplessly about, then is seized 
with a sudden inspiration) — Why, why, — I — 
Oh, yes; oysters. (Grins at her.) 

Mrs. S. — Oysters ! And how do you fish for 
oysters? (Walker is highly interested.) 

Slinger — With an oyster cracker, of course. 
(Walker is convulsed.) 

Mrs. S. (Looks indignantly at him and then 



The Morning After the Night Before 19 



makes as if to leave the room. Sohbingly) — Oh, 
it's no use ! I am disgusted with you and wish to 
hear no more of your ill-timed fiction. {At C. D. 
chokes sohbingly, zvipes eyes zvith hankerchief.) 

Slinger (Pleadingly) — Oh, say; don't go. (She 
turns) — rU give it to you on the level this time. 
Honest ! 

Mrs. S. (Comes back, smiling through her 
tears) — Oh, Josh^ I do so want to believe in you 
and trust you. Where were you last night? 
(Walker is again highly interested.) 

Slinger — I went fishing — 

Mrs. S. (Drawing back) — Oh, Josh! Fishing 
again ! ( Turns as if to leave. ) 

Slinger — Wait a moment, darling ; please don't 
condemn m.e unheard. I've tried to keep this from 
you, but it is impossible. I must speak! (Hesi- 
tates, while she gazes fearfully and tearfully at 
him) — I — I know how tender hearted you are, and 
I dreaded to think of telling you of my exploits 
in catching those dear little tish on a great cruel 
hook. Can't you understand, my darling? Pic- 
ture those sweet, dear little fish ; picture that great 
big cruel hook! (Covers eyes with both hands in 
apparent horror) — Oh, that I might forget the look 
of awful agony on their innocent faces ! ( Uncov- 
ers face and winks slyly at Walker.) 

Mrs. S. (Half sobbingly and throiving arms 
about him)— Oh, you old darling! How kind and 
thoughtful you are, and how cruel and thoughtless 



20 The Morning After the Night Before 



I have been. (Slinger, oz'cr her shoulder, again 
winks at Walker.) 

Walker {Aside) — Isn't be the great little 
liar? 

Slinger (Pushes her from him, holds her at 
arm's length; ivith mock severity) — And you! 
You doubted me! Oh, that a wife of mine could 
ever doubt a good, noble husband like me ! Why, 
I am the best 'husband you ever had ! 

Mrs. S. (Sobbingly) — Yes, yes, I know, dear. 
Forgive me — please forgive me ! It's — it's all my 
fault. Your only thought was to spare my feelings, 
(Falls on her knees, pleadingly) — See, on my knees 
I ask your forgiveness ! 

Slinger (Dramatically) — Rise, woman, rise! 
(Winks at Walker) — You are forgiven. (Holds 
out his arms to her.) 

Mrs. S. (Springs into his embrace with a glad 
cry) — Oh^ Josh; I'm so glad! (They embrace. 
Walker pounds a pillow with glee.). 

Slinger (Gently releasing himself) — And now, 
dearie; what say you to breakfast? I'm hungry as 
a bear. 

Mrs. S. (Brightly) — Of course, dear. How 
stupid of me. I'll go at once and see to it with 
my own hands. (Starts for door, C, then stops 
half way; suddenly) — Oh, I have it. I'll fry some 
of those fish you caught last night. (Smiles 
brightly at him. Walker is convulsed.) 

Slinger (Dumfounded ; staggers weakly back- 



The Morning After the Night Before 21 



ward, groping blindly for the support of a 
friendly chair;' finally strikes a chair and totters 
feebly into it. Gaspingly) — You — you — you'll fry 
some fish! (Stares in dismay at her.) 

Mrs. S. (Smiling szveetly) — Of course. Oh, it 
won't be a bit of trouble. I'd just love it. 

Slinger (Floundering helplessly) — The — the fish 
I caught — they are not used to being fried. 
(Walker chokes.) 

Mrs. S. ( Coaxingly) — Oh, come now; don't 
feel that way. I can fry them so they'll fairly 
melt in your mouth. Now no more objections. I 
know what my little hubby likes. You shall have 
those fish fried in butter, and with my own hands. 

James appears in CD. 

James (Apologetically) — Excuse me, ma'am; 
but shall I be a-servin' of the breakfast now ? 

Mrs. S. (To James) — Yes, James; but not un- 
til I have prepared those fish. Come. You must 
show me where they are. (Smiles brightly at 
Slinger, turns and exit, C. D., followed by the 
surprised James. Slinger gazes after her in comic 
dismay. ) 

Walker (Throzcs off pillozi's and sits up on edge 
of conch) — A\ hew ! Oh, Josh we're going to have 
fried fish for breakfast! (Gives way to uncon- 
trolled laughter.) 

Slinger (Savagely) — Say, you mutt! Cut that 
out! What's so funny? 

Walker (Quoting Mrs. S.) — -'T know what my 



22 The Morning Ap'ter the Night Before 



little hubby likes. You shall have those hsh fried 
in butter, and -with my own hands." Ha, ha, ha! 
{Laughs loudly.) 

Slinger {Springs to his feet, crosses with a 
rush to \\\\LKER and cuffs him savagely) Shut up! 
You got me into this mess, now you've got to get 
me out of it. Think, man — I know it must hurt 
you to do it, but try anyhow — think of some way 
out of this. Think ! 

Walker (Rocking back and forth in his merri- 
ment) — Oh, Josh, Ho, ho, ho! Little fish, sei*ved 
in butter. Melt in mouth. 

Slinger {Suddenly) — I've got it? Hooray! 
{Dances zcildly about) — I've got it. Quick! You 
run down to the corner and buy a couple of dol- 
lars worth of fish. That's the merry idea! Great, 
eh? Hurry, now! {Jerks Walker to his feet and 
shoves him towards the door, C.) 

Walker {At door) — Say, wait a minute. I'm 
not dressed for the street. I'll get pinched instead 
of fish. 

Slinger — Never mind your clothes ; get fish — 
that's all. 

Walker — What kind of fish shall I get? 

Slinger {Shoving him out) — Any kind, you 
rummie. Just hurry — that's all; hurry! {Shoves 
Walker out of door and off L. Runs to cabaret 
table, pours drink and gulps it down, sighing with 
deep satisfaction) — Whew! What a relief! {Starts 
to pour another drink.) 



The Morning After the Night Before 23 



Enter Mrs. S., C. D. She wears an apron and 
her sleeves are rolled up to her elbozvs. 

Mrs. S. — Where did you tell me those fish were, 
dear? I don't seem to find them. 

Slinger (Whirls about to face her, upsets de- 
canter and knocks glass to floor.) Fish! Did you 
say fish? 

Mrs. S. {Surprised) — Yes — fish! Why are you 
so excited ? 

Slinger (Confusedly) — I'm — I'm not excited. 
I was — was merely wondering what fish you were 
referring to. You know, there are so many fishes. 

Mrs. S. (Suspiciously) — I believe you are try- 
ing to evade the issue. I want those fish you caught 
last night. 

Slinger — Yes, yes ; to be sure you do. To be 
sure. The fish I caught last night. (Brightly, 
stalling for time) — You know, my dear, when you 
came in and said fish, I thought you — I thought — 

Mrs. S. — Yes; what did you think? 

Slinger (Hesitating ; then suddenly) — It was a 
tie. The game finally had to be called on account 

Slinger — I thought perhaps you were referring 
to our next door neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Fish. 
(Laughs feebly.) 

Mrs. S. (Severely) — You well know the fish I 
meant. 

Slinger — Honest, I don't. You see, one meets 
so many people — 

Mrs. S.- — I'm talking about fish — not people. 

Slinger — Oh, now I get you. You mean fish. 



24 The Morning After the Night BEFORii 



{Laughs) — By Jove, I don't blame you for being 
provoked at me. Fish, fish, of course. 

Mrs. S. — \\\\\ you please tell me where you put 
them? 

Slinger — Of course I will, my dear. You see, 
last night, when I came home, this morning, I said 
to myself : "Now, Josh, it will never do to bring 
these fish into the house. My darling wife might 
come in sudden contact with them, and the shock 
might prove fatal." — 

Mrs. S. {Interrupting, scornfully') — Shock prove 
fatal to me? 

Slinger — No, no ; to the fish, my dear. So I 
didn't bring them in. I left them with a friend of 
mine, and he promised to have them here early this 
morning. Now you have it. 

Mrs. S. {Suspiciously) — There's something de- 
cidedly off color about this entire affair. 

Slinger {Grieved tone) — There you go again — 
doubting your only true and lawful husband. {Goes 
to C. D. and looks anxiously off L.) \^ery well. 
T shall soon prove to you Mrs. Slinger, that your 
accusations are entirely without foundation. {Tri- 
umphantly) — Aha! Here he comes now. 

Enter Walker, C. D. He carries a market bas- 
ket, in which are several cans of lobsters and sal- 
mon; over the basket is a white cloth. He hands 
basket to Slinger. 

\\'Alker — There you are. Josh. Got here soon's 
I could. {Breathing hard.) 

Slinger- — Thanks, old chap. {Aside to him) — 
What kind you get? 



The Morning After the Night Before 25 



Walker (Aside to him)— Don t know. Told the 
man to chuck in the first fish he got his hands on. 

Slinger {Handing basket to Mr.s. S. Proudly) 
— There you are, my dear ; there are the fish. And 
I do hope that this will teach you a lesson never 
to doubt my word a^ain. (Jabs a thumb into 
Walker^s ribs. They shake hands in triumph.) 

Mrs. S. (Sets basket on cabaret table, lifts cloth 

and peers at contents; starts with surprise) — What 
kind of fish did you say you caught, dear? 

Slinger {Drops \\'alker's hand; nervously) — 
W^hy — there were different kinds, my dear ; There 
were — [Looks at \\"alker for assistance.) 

Walker (Pojnpously)—Ba.ss, perch, sunfish — 

Slinger (Very pompously) — To be sure. Bass, 
perch, sunfish. 

Mrs. S. (Lifting out a can and reading label 
aloud:) — "Best Brand Baltimore Lobsters." (Takes 
out another can and reads label) — "Superior 
Canned Salem Salmon." 

She turns and faces them suddenly^ holding a can 
on high in each hand. Slinger staggers backward 
and faints in Walker^s arms. 

CURTAIN 



PLAYS— SKETCHES AND MONOLOGUES 



*'THE HABITAT'S REVENGE." 

A Play in One Act. For 2 Males. 

By Gordon Rogers. 

A Canadian-French trapper, while recalling how he 
and his daughter were wronged by a stranger to whom 
he showed hospitality, twenty years ago, that very 
night, and plotting revenge, is suddenly visited by 
apparently the same man, whom he recognizes, but 
who does not recognize him. Taking the visitor at 
a disadvantage, the trapper, before wreaking vengeance 
upon him, discloses his identity, and recites his wrongs 
to him, recalling how he was robbed of his only 
daughter, twenty years before, by the handsome 
stranger. 

While the trapper is seeking his child his aged father 
dies at home, and the daughter afterwards returns to 
her father's cabin only to die on its threshold. For 
all this, vows the trapper, the other must die, but just 
as the much-wronged man is about to put his threat 
into execution, the younger, realizing that he is the 
son of the wrongdoer, declares himself just in time to 
save his life. 

A powerful dramatic story, most eiTectively told, and 
affording opportunities for the portrayal of a strong 
character study and of an attractive juvenile part. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid 

"THE REHEARSAL." 

A Novel Social Entertainment. For 7 Females. 
By Efifie W. Merriam. 
In this most amusing playlet the participants mingle 
with the audience, thus making the entertainment ap- 
pear to be entirely extemporaneous. Neither stage, 
scenery nor special costumes are needed to make it 
effective; in fact "The Rehearsal" may be acceptably 
given either in the parlor or on the porch or lawn, 
and is so arranged that very little memorizing is neces- 
sary — a great point in its favor, especially when but 
little time can be given to preparation. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid 



M. WITMARK & SONS 

87 Witmark Bldg. New York 

POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



DRAMATIC SKETCHES. 

"THE LAST OF THE CARGILLS." 
A Dramatic Scene for 1 Male and 1 Female. 

A beautiful story, full of sentiment and refined humor 
of the Southland. An excellent opportunity for a wo- 
man who can portray the old time southern ''mammy," 
and for a man who can depict the old southern lover. 
A character full of dignity and pathos. 

The scene shows the dining-room in an old southern 
mansion on Christmas day. Outside the snow is falling, 
inside all is bright and cheerful. George Cargill has the 
Christmas dinner table laid with covers for all his lost 
loves, and his best friend; although he alone sits at 
the board. In a reminiscent mood he recalls all the 
qualities, good and b^d, of his one time sweethearts 
and of his best friend, and speaks as though they were 
present. 

Finally when "Old Mammy" brings in the turkey she 
finds that "the last of the Cargills," has gone to join 
those he loved, in the great beyond. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid 

"JOHN CLAYTON, ACTOR!" 
A Play in One Act for 2 Males and 1 Female. 

This little play might well be called " a modern Gar- 
rick," and closely follows the general theme of Gar- 
rick, although it is entirely difl^erent. 

Louise Warren has worshipped at the shrine of John 
Clayton, a successful actor, and has attended all of his 
performances, to the consternation and dismay of her 
relatives and friends. 

Finally her father. Colonel Warren, a typical southern 
gentleman of the old school, calls on Clayton to per- 
suade him to leave the country or in some way to 
break off the hifatuation of his daughter. Louise learns 
of this visit of her father and also calls at Clayton's 
rooms to warn him as she fears her father may do 
him some harm. Clayton promises to disillusion Louise 
and assumes the disguise of Clayton's servant, and after 
hiding Colonel Warren, admits Louise to whom he 
paints Clayton as the most lewd villain. 

Finally Colonel Warren appreciates the sterling qual- 
ities of Clavton, and the sacrifice he is making, enters 
the room and tells Louise, Clayton is only acting, and 
is in reality all she had imagined him to be — her ideal. 

He consents to their union, and all ends felicitously. 
Price, 25 cents, postpaid 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

87 Witmark Bldg. New Yark 

POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



COMIC TRAVESTIED 
"DOCTOR LOW-RENTS (LORENTZ) SURGERY/' 

THE CO-RE-IN TWINS. 
Farce by Frank Dumont. 
4 Male Characters, 
An exceedingly funny act. Can be played in white 
or black face. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 
"THE MANHATTAN CLUB." 
A Comedy Sketch Adapted to a Male Quartette, Intro- 
ducing the Song, "Bill of Fare." 
By J. Bodewalt Lampe. 
A refined sketch for male characters. Clean, bright 
and novel. Just the thing for a singing comedy four. 
Humorous dialog in which two selected songs can be 
introduced in addition to the song, "Bill of Fare," 
which accompanies the sketch. 

Price, 50 cents, postpaid. 
"THE STAGE-STRUCK BOARDING HOUSE.** 
Burlesque in One Scene. 
By Frank Dumont. 
4 Males — 2 Females, 
A depiction of a stage-struck boarding house with 
the consequential amusing outcome of such a state of 
* affairs. The experience of Mr. Somerset, who has been 
invited to come down for a visit, with the assurance 
that he'll have a pleasant time, is very interesting. — 
George gets more than he expected. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 
"GIVE AND TAKE." 
"Hat" Dialog for Two Comedians. 
By Frank Dumont. 
The second series of "Get-Backs," Quick, snappy 
work for two funny men; an up-to-date, novel and 
interesting act for the olio or second part of a minstrel 
entertainment. Can also be used in any other per- 
formance. Sure to please. A laugh in every speech. 
Price, 25 cents, postpaicj. 
''AUTOMOBILE CRAZY." 
j Burlesque in One Scene. 

By Frank Dumont. 
7 Males — 1 Female. 
A successful, up-to-date burlesque, which calls for 
vigorous action all around. It is always received with 
tumultuous applause. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

87 Witmark Bldg. New York 

POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED, 



FRANK DUMONT'S FAMOUS PLAYS 

"The DIALECT COMEDIAN." 

By Frank Dumont. 

This i» a work that has been much called for. Bits 
of every dialect are presented, giving stories, jokes and 
gags as they should be told. The little book will assist 
you greatly. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

"THE ST. LOUIS FAIR HOTEL." 
Sketch by Frank Dumont. 
Four Male Characters. 
Fun galore in this sketch. It shows an avaricious 
hotel keeper in operation assisted by his "faithful" man- 
of-all-work. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 
"McWADE'S PLATOON." 
Burlesque Dialect Police Drill. 
FINALE FOR FIRST PART. 
By Frank Dumont. 
Several nationalities are presented in this drill, giving 
splendid opportunities for good comedy work. Songs 
and marches are introduced, making an excellent finale 
or number for the olio. Something new. 
Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 
"WHEN WOMEN RULE US." 
Burlesque and Court House Scene. 
By Frank Dumont. 
Twenty Characters. 
This satire is arranged specially for ladies wherein 
all the characters are assumed by them; the two hus- 
bands being represented by the ladies also. 

This burlesque may be used by gentlemen who, at- 
tired in grotesque imitation of female wardrobe and 
fads, can create any amount of laughter by imitating 
the gentle sex in mannerisms. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

"MY NEW TYPEWRITER." 

Sketch by Frank Dumont. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Fine A, Silk, a busy agent 

Mrs. Silk, his wife, assuming disguises of tough girl, 

old maid and a gushing girly-girly typewriter 

A "screaming" sketch for one male and one female. 
Most excellent for a clever woman who can do char- 
acter parts. In this sketch the female character is 
obliged to assume three distinct roles, all of which lead 
up to complications that are ludicrously funny. Plenty 
of work for the male character — always busy. "My 
New Typewriter" is a satire on a popular topic. The 
theme is carefully worked out. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

87 Witmark Bldg. New York 

POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



THE VERY L ^"^ " """"^^ 
PLAYS, MONOLOGUES, 

BY ' - ■•■ 

HARRY L, NliWroJN 




"A Rose of Mexico" 

A Comedy-Dramatic Playlet of Mexkan Life. 
An Orig-inal Dramatic Playlet for one Male and 
one Female, the scene of which is laid in Mexico 

The story is of Carmita, a Mexican girl, recently 
returned from school in the United States, and Pedro, 
a Mexican youth who has turned bandit in her ab- 
sence to secure money enough to ask her to marry 
him. 

*'A Pair of Pants" 

A Rapid-Fire Talking Act. 
This act for straight man and comedian who 
wants his three dollars, while the other wants his 
pants, runs riot with fun, gags, absurdities and snap- 
py lines. Plenty of opportunity for good acting. 

*'A Jack and His Queen" 

Comedietta in one act for tuo Males and one Female. 

Jack Windsor, a young bachelor, returned from 
an eight years' tour of the world, he decides to settle 
down by marrying his fiancee, Flora Mason. Flora 
pa} s a surreptitious visit to Jack's apartments. "Tot- 
tie Twinkletoes," a dancer, is to call. 

Jack discovers Flora in his rooms and mistakes 
her for Tottie. Flora keeps up, the deception and 
some very smart oialogue ensues. 

"An Invitation to the Ball'* 

A Comedy Sketch for one Male and one Female. 
Plenty of work and good comedy for Mose John- 
son, a colored servant, and Birdie BirdseU. the daugh- 
ter of his master, who has made up her mind to at- 
tend a masque ball with Mose in attendance. 

"Chatter" 

A Monologue for Males. 
This is a brisk and breezy up-to-date monologue 
for light or low comedians. It is a whirlwind of com- 
ical lines which reach the apex of wit. Used with 
great success by professional entertainers. 

"Down in Paradise Alley" 

An East Side Episode for one Male and one Female. 
Tells a delightful story of a young college gradu- 
ate who has fallen in love with Jerry O'Connell^a lit- 
tle East Side street singer, living in Paradise Alle^', 
New York. A charming little playlet in which com- 
edy and pathos are beautifully blended. The special- 
ties introduced throughout the playlet are at the op- 
tion of the performers. 

"Family Secrets" 

A Monologue for Rube Girl. 
This Rube Girl hands you a laugh every two sec- 
onds on a subject which appeals to all, viz., her de- 
scription of her home and "folks" Up-State. 



'Izzy's Vacation' 



A summer episode in two scenes. 

This is a splendid comedy for Hebrew comedians 
and lady who can play pert young miss. 

Izzy Goldberg is on a vacation in the country and 
running across Grace Howe, a breezy person who, in 
the spirit oi mischief, accuses Izzy of having followed 
her 

"Keep Your Eye on^the Ball" 

A Comedy Sketch for one Male and one Female. 

For a clever Irish comedian and leading 
woman Madame Blavatsky. fortune teller, has 
money disguises himself as Madame Blavatsky. The 
coHipIications that follow must be read to be appre^ 
ciated. 

"Meet My Wife" 

A Comedy Sketch, for two Miles and one Female. 

George Chamberlain, a hen-pecked husband, may 
not drink, smoke or have an opinion of his own with- 
out his wife's permission. With the arrival of a 
friend, Percy Hamilton, he enters into a plot to cir- 
cumvent his wife and eventually becomes piaster in 
his own house. 

"The Spirit of Captain Kidd" 

A Vaudeville Playlet in two scenes. 

Dealing with the absurd adventures of Timothy 
McSorley. an Irish laborer, and Hi Grass, a regular 
rube, who, on learning of treasure buried by the no- 
torious pirate. Captain Kidd, set out to find it. 

This excruciatingly funny playlet is in two 
scenes. It is one long scream from start to finish. 

"Two Girls and Him" 

A Comedy classic in one scene for two Females and 
one Male. 

There is a vein of exquisite sentiment running 
through this little playlet. 

Florence and Birdie Feathertop find themselves 
stranded. Timothy McDufT hears of their sad plight 
and spends his earnings to pay their way to the city 

"What Every Woman Thinks She foiows* 

A Suffragette Monologue. 

This monologue on the suffragfette question is a 
scream from beginning to end. More ludicrous "pat- 
ter" could not well be imagined. Thei^ is a dash of 
brilliant wit and humor that cannot fail to please. 



ANY OF THE ABOVE 25 CENTS EACH 



M. WITMARK & SONS 

86 WIIMARK BUILDING 



Ne"w Yorh 



